I LOST….Now I fight!!!

      Through my life so far I’ve had so many people that have blessed me with advice and have encountered trials and tribulations to become the great woman/ man God destined them to be. I honored and respected God first for placing them in my life. But, in the process I cherished and respected their honesty. They were honest and blunt about the mistakes and became transparent while delivering wisdom and knowledge onto me. It was hard for me to accept advice from those who showed signs of self-righteousness.  I learned to still gain and take heed to what they say to me also. 

       I promise to be transparent and honest about the person I am, have become, and the person I’m working toward becoming in the future. I have to confess some things today in my blog so you all will see truth in me and gain respect as I try to instill advice into my readers  within my future posts. 

        I’m sitting here thinking to myself how hard I make my life and what I could do to make it easier if I just faced my true reality.  In reality I had to resign from attending college at Univeristy of Missouri – Kansas City due to financial aid. Since the day I had to make that adult decision to resign from school I’ve struggled mentally, emotionally and physically everyday. Mentally I dealt with imagining myself walking across the stage in May 2016 receiving my degree, Bachelors of Arts and Sciences in Communication Studies with in emphasis of  Journalsim and Media.  

       I could not bare the deadly nightmares of everyone asking me “Why did you dropout?” Those thoughts of feeling like a quitter haunted me for far too long! I allowed that to take over my life and caused depression to become a personality trait. Horrendous right? Yea I know!  Depression has been the worst battle for me because I envied others success and the journey toward achieving their goals. The spirit of fear controlled my mind by creating a feeling of failure and hinderance to accomplishing my lifetime goals. The state of depression led to my emotional struggle of decorating pity parties for myself with petty tears and anger towards others with no reason to validate it. I had drive, determination and ambitions while I was in school because I made up in my mind that was the ONLY way to work toward my dreams. So, with that demon I allowed him to win and I LOST!  I put my fist up and ask that demon to fight me now because I faced my truth. I invited my self respect, determination, and drive back into my life! 

    I wrote this blog not only to gain respect from you all but to also free myself from the fantasy world of hell I created in my own life. I can finally discuss a struggle I’ve been dealing with for over six months and face my reality. Now that I’ve faced that demon I feel like the Eiffel Tower has been lifted off of my shoulders! Before , I cared about what people thought of me and I gave others the power to control my life. I had the fear of making decisions, expressing my thoughts, standing up and just blatantly speaking up for myself when I needed to.  I have every right to be who I am and what God has destined me to be. Everyday I remind myself that it is my God given right to be ME and no one else….and with knowing the meaning of my name Jordan I will not LOSE! 

Jordan means  wisdom and making wise decisions. 

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