Why beat yourself up? 

Why beat yourself up because you had the courage to love

You gave all your hopes that they were the one 

Why beat yourself when you loved, supported, and comforted them
It was their choice to be perfidious 

and their choice to abandon your heart 

Why beat yourself up 
Knowing you did everything you could 

loving them more than you loved yourself 

Why beat yourself up 
by accepting all the lies and deceit 

And begging them to love you 

 Why after the repeat of deceit and trust being lost 

That they deserve a love as pure as yours? 

 Why do you choose to search for answers to what caused them to break your heart 

knowing they won’t find ways to mend it back together 

Why beat yourself up 
And blame yourself for their selfish choices 

Never thinking of you without a conscience in their presence 

Why question every detail of who you are to make yourself think you aren’t worthy of love 

 Why beat yourself 

All you did was have the courage to love 

love someone whole heartedly without a second thought 

 STOP 

beating yourself up and 

allow time to heal your pain 

It’ll eventually subside as you learn to walk away  

Nothing has changed you just added to your experiences of love 
you’ll then once believe to have determination with another 

But always remember you cannot truly love someone until you truly love yourself 

Advertisements

What LIES between us…

LIAR. 

Liar. 

Yea I’m convinced thats who you are because it’s the image you drew 

You glided your pen across the pallet of my heart with petty lies and “I’m sorry boo” 

I’ll never forget the false yearning you tried to show me by asking me not to leave 

But after once or twice who am I to believe 

 the knife you slice across my soul means nothing but lies

It was never meant to keep me warm at night 

That knife only cut so deep and closed my chest so tight 

I knelt down trying to hold my heart inside 

as my knees sat in the puddles of my tears 

You lied about being true 

It all started with spoken thoughts of my deepest, darkest fears 

and honest to God you were through 

your childish games will never stop 

You pull my soul out of me 

Then my heart starts to throb 

And you think saying sorry cuddles my sorrows at night, 

but instead 

Those nightmares replay in my head

Clearly that’s something you will never see 

haunting me with ghosts that shed 

my life away 

And I still give you the choice to stay 

I need a stitch 

 to sew those cuts and wounds you caused 

You’ve thrown salt in my cuts with the petty lies you tell 

once the lies roll off your lips I began to accept your flaws

I pray that those words find their way to the pit of hell 

Your words say one thing 

But those actions say another 

I stood so tall in belief that you meant those words you stand on 

I accepted the “baby I’m thru with the silly shit”

You’ll never find where you belong 

I’ll always end up with the short end of the stick 

I love past your soul could ever imagine 

That’s why I’d never believe love is just passion 

Love is deeper than the words spoken out ones lips 

But as I stand with my hands on my hips 

I beg and plead for greatness between us 

That never works because you don’t want to see the potential within us  

 

I LOST….Now I fight!!! 

      Through my life so far I’ve had so many people that have blessed me with advice and have encountered trials and tribulations to become the great woman/ man God destined them to be. I honored and respected God first for placing them in my life. But, in the process I cherished and respected their honesty. They were honest and blunt about the mistakes and became transparent while delivering wisdom and knowledge onto me. It was hard for me to accept advice from those who showed signs of self-righteousness.  I learned to still gain and take heed to what they say to me also. 

       I promise to be transparent and honest about the person I am, have become, and the person I’m working toward becoming in the future. I have to confess some things today in my blog so you all will see truth in me and gain respect as I try to instill advice into my readers  within my future posts. 

        I’m sitting here thinking to myself how hard I make my life and what I could do to make it easier if I just faced my true reality.  In reality I had to resign from attending college at Univeristy of Missouri – Kansas City due to financial aid. Since the day I had to make that adult decision to resign from school I’ve struggled mentally, emotionally and physically everyday. Mentally I dealt with imagining myself walking across the stage in May 2016 receiving my degree, Bachelors of Arts and Sciences in Communication Studies with in emphasis of  Journalsim and Media.  

       I could not bare the deadly nightmares of everyone asking me “Why did you dropout?” Those thoughts of feeling like a quitter haunted me for far too long! I allowed that to take over my life and caused depression to become a personality trait. Horrendous right? Yea I know!  Depression has been the worst battle for me because I envied others success and the journey toward achieving their goals. The spirit of fear controlled my mind by creating a feeling of failure and hinderance to accomplishing my lifetime goals. The state of depression led to my emotional struggle of decorating pity parties for myself with petty tears and anger towards others with no reason to validate it. I had drive, determination and ambitions while I was in school because I made up in my mind that was the ONLY way to work toward my dreams. So, with that demon I allowed him to win and I LOST!  I put my fist up and ask that demon to fight me now because I faced my truth. I invited my self respect, determination, and drive back into my life! 

    I wrote this blog not only to gain respect from you all but to also free myself from the fantasy world of hell I created in my own life. I can finally discuss a struggle I’ve been dealing with for over six months and face my reality. Now that I’ve faced that demon I feel like the Eiffel Tower has been lifted off of my shoulders! Before , I cared about what people thought of me and I gave others the power to control my life. I had the fear of making decisions, expressing my thoughts, standing up and just blatantly speaking up for myself when I needed to.  I have every right to be who I am and what God has destined me to be. Everyday I remind myself that it is my God given right to be ME and no one else….and with knowing the meaning of my name Jordan I will not LOSE! 

Jordan means  wisdom and making wise decisions. 

Take A Few Moments